I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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