before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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