Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
The air was thick with penises
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
