everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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