You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
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