Banned from zoo.
Again?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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