This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
