textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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