Did you hit it?
Turns out she was a he. but to answer your question, yes.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Randomize
