party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
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