i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Let me rephrase. Would it display my intentions too much if i walked all the way across my office and into the bathroom carrying my book
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We're too hungover to prance.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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