Raise your hand if you bought 2 annoying girls shots of water. CLOWNS.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
