I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
