You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
