just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
