I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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