life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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