I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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