Mr ***** is in bed with his super hot wife giving her 18 inches of pleasure
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
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