I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize