i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Randomize
