Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Randomize
