I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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