my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Randomize
