Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Randomize
