all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
she peed on how many people?
i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
You should frame my arrest warrant.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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