Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Randomize
