guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
