Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
why does every cop we meet know your name?
Randomize
