is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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