Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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