Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
