Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
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