Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Fucked him in a graveyard. Need plan b.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
