I faked an abortion last night.
What did we do last night that was yellow?
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Randomize
