moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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