please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Randomize
