You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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