Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
he had hair everywhere except his balls
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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