I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
