onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
