i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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