actually, I'm a sock model
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Nhl reached an agreement. I plan on getting me some celebratory sex from a hockey player.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
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