Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
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