Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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