I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
