did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
