I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
