Who wears a wallet chain?!
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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