hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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