dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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