Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
