Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
I wear drunk well.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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