I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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