I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
