birth control should be required to get into college
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
It's National Whipped Cream Day, prep those nips
Randomize
