I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
