The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
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