i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
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