Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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