Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
i think my mom watched the whole time
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
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