It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
