Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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