I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
