Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Randomize
