you traded sex for a burrito?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
